Growing Up

I honestly don’t know what to title this post.

Remember When?

Something Not Meant to Be?

Time Marches On?

Nothing seems right, but it also doesn’t seem to matter.

I texted my dear friend today. One you could call an old flame. We had such chemistry in college and spoke about dating quite often. I wanted it more than anything at the time, but it wasn’t going to happen.

Without going into too much detail, there were some differences that just couldn’t be met. This is the young man you can read about in this post.

We still text off and on; I try to keep in touch. It was awkward at first, when I got a boyfriend who turned into a fiance. How do you continue a friendship when there used to be a mutual attraction? But I didn’t want to be that person who dropped her friends once she got engaged.

It came out in a conversation today that he has a girlfriend. I’m so happy for him. He’s a wonderful man who deserves a nice girl, who will love him and take care of him.

He’s so happy and excited. I’m happy for him, too.

I really am.

But my heart still hurts.

I’m not sorry we’re not together. Things worked out the way they did for a reason. We obviously weren’t meant to be together. We have wonderful memories together. Fun times. Great dances.

And I have the forever love of the most amazing man in the world who I wouldn’t trade for anything or anyone. The most handsome man, the most caring, the most wonderful.

But, despite my joy in my friend finding happiness and my own emotional bliss, I feel like shedding a tear.

For lost chances.

For times gone by.

For the way things used to be.

For bittersweet memories.

I asked for pictures of her. I wanted to see the woman who stole his heart. He obliged. I think it made it hurt worse, a little.

Somehow.

And, in a typical womanly response, I’m secretly happy, deep down inside, that she’s not as pretty as I am. That she doesn’t dance. At all.

That even though we’re both exceedingly happy in the relationships we’re in, she doesn’t have the capabilities to completely replace me in his eyes.

Messed up? Yeah, probably.

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