Changing Seasons

With each day that passes, the seasons are changing a little. And then a little more.

And it’s not just the weather.

Yes, it’s starting to cool down into the 50s at night and when you leave the house first thing in the morning, the air has that End Of Summer feel to it. It smells like the greenery is starting to fade into yellows and browns. It’s starting to get more and more quiet; the bird songs aren’t quite as loud and even the cicadas are starting to be silent. Soon, that too will be gone and it will be that empty, quiet melancholy feeling while the world falls asleep for winter.

My older sister just asked me that the other day. “Does fall ever feel….sad to you?”

My reply?

“Every year.”

It just has the feeling the world is sad summer is over. The days are growing shorter and colder and the air is crisp and clear and silent. I think that’s the thing I miss most when summer is gone. The sounds. The birds move south and suddenly everything around you is quiet. There’s a peace to it, but there’s a feeling of an underlying sadness to me.

The world is just holding it’s breath, waiting for the first white snowfall to cover everything in its blanket for a winter nap.

And at the same time as the days grow shorter and the sun sets earlier, my life seasons are changing.

I’m getting married in sixty-eight, yes sixty-eight, days. Mom and I went for a walk the other night and I was saying how I didn’t want to leave home and everything I know, but every day I’m not around My Cowboy is worse than the one before. That not being with him every day doesn’t feel right and that something is missing and wrong.

I figured it would reduce her to a couple tears. Mom’s kind of that way. But instead she said, “I understand. He’s your home now.”

And he is. And I’m starting to transition. Trying to get as much of my stuff moved from childhood home to my new home. The home I’ll share with him.

His sister’s boyfriend was living in his basement all summer, so I didn’t want to move in too much and shove him even more into a corner, but now that he’s gone I’m hoping we can do a quick recon and clean the main room down there where I can have enough room to move more in. And at least stack it until I can find new “real” places for it to live from here on out.

Time is going to fly. Fast. And I don’t want to wait till the very end when I’m the most stressed about wedding day details and trying to move.

And yet, how do you know what to move and what you might need. And part of me feels bad about descending upon that little house down deep in the Sandhills and burying everything under my collection. (I don’t have a ton, but I’ve lived in my own apartments/houses before, so I’m well equipped.)

My Cowboy is fine with it, though. I’ve warned him it’s going to look like a lot until I integrate all of the stuff into its place for every day living. He knows. He understands. And, honestly, I don’t think he cares.

He’s as ready to have me with him every day as I’m ready to be there every day.

Last night we had our first pre-marital counseling session. There had been a slight snafu with that earlier. The pastor of My Cowboy’s church had been asked (by myself) to do our counseling since it would be “polite” for him to do it. He was supposed to call me back and after a couple months, never did.

Okay by me. I’ve never been really fond of that guy. So I asked My Cowboy about a couple in our church. They’re some of the most inspirational people I know. Extremely strong Christians and still infatuated about each other after 33 years of marriage. It was a go.

And then the other pastor told My Cowboy to have me call him (’cause apparently it’s too hard to be the bigger person and call me like you were supposed to!) We already had booklets from the other couple, they were already prepared to guide us. I won’t air laundry here, but I was pretty upset and told my fiance so.

Yes, I did overreact a little, but how do you tell someone, “Sorry, you’re too late.” And hope you don’t make things iffy for the rest of the family as he lives two miles away from my future home. Small communities, you know. It ended up I was upset and stressed out over nothing for it went over fine, he was going to be gone a lot etc., so long story short, he doesn’t get to counsel us. And then I learned My Cowboy wasn’t excited, thinking he would have to air all his secrets and personal life to complete strangers. That he would’ve preferred someone else. When he had said it was ok. So then I was hurt because I went through him and got the all clear, and then learned he has reservations about it, “but it happens all the time. I’ll get over it”.

Yeah, cause telling me that helps….talk about feeling like you let him down. But that’s why I asked this couple.

They’re so personable and caring and would be a great team to have on our side. Not just for counseling now, but for accountability later. To help us grow in our faith and in our marriage.

So I enjoyed it last night – I guess I want all the “help” towards a great marriage that I can get (not saying he doesn’t). My brain and life is ready for a challenge. Ready for something new. My Cowboy didn’t feel quite the same.

He enjoyed himself, talked with the couple very well, and loved the food, but as we were pulling out of their driveway onto the highway and I asked, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I got a, “It wasn’t that great, either,” as a reply.

….Straight through the heart….

I know he didn’t mean it quite that bluntly, but it kind of deflated me. He said that it wasn’t awful, but he doesn’t like things like that. Nor does he like having to read (we got to read a couple paragraphs out loud and a few verses). Not a big deal, but when you’re dyslexic and having to read for strangers, it probably is more stressful than I realize. “And there’s so much to do outside of the meetings…” [working through the workbook].

I understand where he’s coming from. When you hate reading and writing and you’re up from 4:00 am till past 10:00 pm working day in and day out to try and survive and make enough money to keep going one more year, something like working through a book and answering questions does seem like a waste of time. But if we “have” to go through this, hadn’t we might as well learn something and be challenged and not just watch a few videos and call it good?

And I know I’m taking it more personally than I should. Like it’s against me since I requested this couple. And he’s not meaning it that way. But my woman’s heart feels like if the workbook is too much work, does he think the actual marriage is going to be all sunshine and butterflies? Am I not worth going through a few chapters in a book?

And I am. And I know he thinks I am. I guess I just want him to be at the same place I am, which I know is unrealistic because we’re two completely different people with different personalities. I guess I’m just so ready for this. For anything that makes us feel closer to being married is exciting. It’s driving it home I’m going to me a “Mrs” in a little over two months. I’m ready for it.

I’m ready to fall asleep in his arms every night, and wake up with his kisses. To make him breakfast and even do his laundry. (Yeah, I’m twitterpated, I know.) But I’m so ready to be a wife.

I’m even ready for the challenges. I’m honestly excited for them because it means we’re a team. From here on out.

For learning something new about the love of my life every day.

For the misunderstandings.

Even for the fights.

And the making up afterwards.

Just to be married.

And it will be ok. I know and accept My Cowboy isn’t going to enjoy talking about our marriage with outside people as much as I do. It’s a wonderful difference between men and women. But I do have faith we will grow and learn from it.

And we’ll have the most wonderful marriage we possibly can.

Starting in sixty-eight days.